A Koba walks across the screen. When he gets halfway across, he turns, faces the camera, and fires a claw at the viewer while the strains of the James Bond theme play...
My name is Koba. Maryland Koba. (Takes a martini shaken, not stirred) And I'm here to review the latest made-for-TV movie with our favorite pilot turned underwear model turned vigiliante. Yes, I'm talking about Antono Sabato, Jr, NOT John Gegenhuber. Sorry, Mary.
After Antonio's stellar performance in Lois and Clark a few weeks ago, I have to admit that I wasn't expecting much from this movie. I was surprised! The first 20 minutes were very tight and fast-paced. The plot involves a suitcase loaded with cocaine, another with scuba equipment, and a luggage switch. Antonio, who plays college teacher Harry Gordini, picks up the wrong suitcase while meeting his wife and son in Miami for a flight to Italy. Needless to say, the bad guys who were expecting the cocaine were a little surprised to get scuba equipment instead. So were the DEA agents, who had busted the bad guys, then had to let them go. The DEA agents include a CIA operative named John Baines, played by the bad guy from Crow: City of Angels. Obviously, this Baines is an ancestor of OUR Baines.
Anyway, the movie slows down a bit when Antonio and family get to Italy. Mostly to show the gorgeous scenery - and shots of the countryside, too. Antonio actually kept his shirt on for about 20 minutes into the movie, but pretty soon he was showing his pecs and tattoos. But, as my observant husband noticed, he was wearing Jockeys, NOT Calvins! Shame, shame... Anyway, the Bad Guys are hot on Antonio's tail, but our boy still remains clueless. Until he and his son decide to go scuba diving and get a big surprise when they open the suitcase. Like a good citizen, he goes back to the US Embassy to turn in the case. Obviously, this whole time there were NO drug-sniffing dogs in the airports that would have smelled the cocaine, nor random luggage checks, nor even Customs. The whole set-up of the movie required a whole bunch of people to get a case of the dumbs.
When Antonio is in Rome turning in the suitcase, the Bad Guys kidnap his wife and son in return for the drugs. When Antonio comes back, he walks into the torn-apart house. He knows something's up, but he doesn't do head-checks to make sure that nobody's sneaking up behind him. And he's supposed to be teaching LAW ENFORCEMENT??? Cripes, Mulder and Scully during the first season of X-Files were better than him. Well, during more convoluted means, we discover that he's an ex-Navy SEAL and killing machine who gave it up after Desert Storm. The CIA guy who is after the Bad Guys actually had to ask what a SEAL was. I'm sorry. You don't get that high up in the CIA without knowing about Special Forces.
Anyway, Antonio gets his wife and kid back and takes out a boatload of terrorists in the bargain. Even his wife gets her licks in on the guy. We find out that she's ex-Secret Service, so she knows her stuff, too. Clearly the Bad Guys have messed with the wrong family.
The whole thing is too long and convoluted to describe fully, but let me summarize. Code Name: Wolverine was pretty good, if you overlook the obvious mistakes. The writing was tight, the story was interesting, and Antonio did a fair job of acting. He got lots of opportunities to scuba dive, which we all know that he loves. But, like I said before, the whole thing revolved on a bunch of people being very, very dumb. But, it was a fun ride nonetheless. His wife wasn't the typical "damsel in distress" that is so common in these TV movies, and his son was even pretty normal. The kid even managed to get the best line in of the whole movie. Antonio and wife are making love (and how many women on this list were thinking "lucky girl"?), with their son sleeping in the same room. Someone starts shooting at them. Antonio and wife dodge bullets to pull their sleeping kid to the floor. The kid wakes up and says, "Dad! You and Mom are naked!"
In short, I give Code Name: Wolverine four kilos of cocaine out of five. Pretty good, but with some rather obvious flaws.
That's all, folks! This message will self-destruct in five seconds...