Warlord: Battle for the Galaxy

(a.k.a. The Osiris Chronicles)

with J. Madison Wright

Maryland J. Koba takes time away from training for the Olympic Biathalon for a late review of Warlord: Battle for the Galaxy. This was the show that Madison was plugging at NP96, only it was known then as The Osiris Chronicles. It was produced for CBS, but they (wisely) buried it.
Like pond scum and senior management, this show managed to float to the top, and surfaced on UPN under the title Warlord, Battle for the Galaxy.

The premise is that a great Galactic Republic had ruled for thousands of years, but fell due to internal strife (shades of "Star Wars").  Different planets are ruled by warlords, who kind of like the galactic
mafia. On one such planet, Caliban, lives Justin Thorpe and his  young sister Nova (Maddie). Thorpe goes around protecting his sister, rescuing women in distress, bargaining with the local warlord, etc.
He's good-hearted, but a little dense. Nova got all the brains in the Thorpe family. She's super-smart, but can't see through all of the plot holes. Nova is kidnapped while Justin is away, and he goes after her with the help of his friends, a teenaged girl pilot and her grandfather, a general in the Old Republic. He's hiding an old starship called the "Osiris", from the warlord. The three of them
get the Osiris up and running, fend off attacks from the warlord, and head off to find Nova. Along the way, they pick up a few new crew members - an engineer who is like Geordi Laforge with eyesight and an attitude, an "arbitrater" who is the general's wayward daughter,  and her aide (who doesn't talk much). Off they go to find Nova,  fending off attacks by the warlord along the way.

Turns out that Nova's been taken by a race called the "Engineers".  They're super-techies that have devoted their culture to maintaining and inventing technology. They're asexual, can't reproduce, and
have no emotions. Sounds like most of the engineers I know! They kidnap children with potential and assimilate them into their culture. Sounds like another evil technologically-based race we all know and
love from Star Trek.

Well, they find Nova and find out the secret plans of the Engineers, which are galactic domination - naturally. Nova at first wants to stay, but she's been brainwashed by the Engineers. Justin shows her
a bio-crystal pet that he bought for her. (What IS is about Maddie and pets, anyway? Get the kid a tamagotchi!) Poof! The brainwashing is counter-acted, and she tries to escape with the others. No dice.

The others return to the Osiris without her. The General then tells them that the last member of the Imperial family is hidden on another planet. They go to find him. They learn from his guardians, who are under attack by the Engineers, that the kid renounced his claims and changed his name. He's now the warlord that's been after Thorpe and friends. A little talk convinces the warlord to join the cause in fighting against the Engineers. Just like that. We last leave our heros fighting against the Engineers. A voiceover from the warlord sums everything up into a nice, neat package.

I'll tell you, no WONDER CBS buried this sucker. There's more cheese in here than there were on the heads of the Packers fans at the  Super Bowl! They should have sold it to NBC. It would have been a hit on the No Brains Channel. Maddie wasted, Carolyn McCormick  wasted, Marjorie Monaghan wasted, John Corbett wasted. Best way  to watch this show - wasted! There's only two good things you can say about the show. One - the Engineers' motives were perfect. Most engineers I know are dateless and care more about technology than mating. Two - one hundred twenty million Americans preferred  watching the State of the Union Address than this dreck.

Maryland J. Koba gives Warlord one crystal tamagotchi out of five, and that's being generous. Sorry, Maddie.



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