MELROSE SPACE! Klendathu 90120! Party of Five Million Bugs! Models In Spaaaaace!
Can you tell that I didn't like the main characters? Oh, yes, they were all very buff and good looking. And, their community brain cell must've been destroyed in the initial Bug attack. If not before.
Young and studly Johnny Rico is involved in a 90120-esque love triangle
with the lovely and insipid Carmen Ibanez, while the lovely tough-chick
Dizzy Flores lusts after him. She must truly fit her nickname, because
she's dating the smarmy psychic kid Carl Jenkins - played by none other
than Neil Patrick Harris. Well, at the urging of their history teacher,
Mr. Raczack, they all enlist in the
Federal Service, which means at least two years in the military. Raczack
makes G. Gordon Liddy look like a liberal, but is rather inspiring. At
least to Carmen. She gets into flight school. Johnny enlists to follow
her, and Dizzy enlists to follow him. Carl enlists because he likes to
tear the wings off of flies and play psychic solitaire. Needless to say,
Carl gets into Military Intelligence - which is an oxymoron, as well as
their version of Psy-Corps. My group of friends promptly dubbed him "Doogie
Bester" and "Herr Doogie".
The whole movie was a total bore until Johnny gets into boot camp and meets up with our favorite bad-ass DI, Sgt. Zim (Clancy Brown). He plays a cross between Officer Hadley in Shawshank Redemption and the DI in Platoon. Oooh, Clancy! You can instruct me and drill me any time! Even though he's a bad-ass, Zim takes a liking to Johnny. Johnny gets promoted to squad leader, screws up bad enough to cause one of his team to get killed, and gets introduced to "military justice" with ten lashes. Between that, and the fact that lovely Carmen dumps him in favor of her sleazy trainer, Zander, Johnny decides that he's not the military type after all and quits. Just as he's leaving, he finds out that his home town of Buenos Aires got a piece of the rock and was toasted by an alien meteorite. Zim goes to bat for Johnny again by tearing up his resignation. Johnny takes his can of Raid and goes off to fight the Big Bad Bugs. Have fun storming the planet! (He's doomed.)
What follows next is the Orkin Man's nightmare. Lots 'n lots of Bugs,
and lots of good-looking young people getting exterminated. The bugs have
appropriate-colored "bug juice", which splattered across the screen in
copious quantities. I'll never look at a bowl of guacamole in quite the
same way. He is
reunited with Raczack, who is now his commaning officer and just as
tough as he was in the classroom. Honestly, it made me nostalgic for Space:
Above and Beyond, which did the whole "kids in the future military"
a LOT better than this dreck. Of course, the pilot for that one was pretty
predictable, too. After the battle, Dizzy finally gets her man, but dies
later after blowing away a big ol' bug that's threatening the soldiers'
evacuation.
After getting their clocks cleaned several times, our intrepid heroes
are sent to find the elusive "brain bug", who is controlling all of the
others. Of course, Darling Carmen and her buff co-pilot Zander, wind up
smack-dab in the middle of the Roach Motel facing Ol' brains himself. In
a most fitting death, Zander gets his brains sucked out by the head bug.
Then, since it didn't get a full meal off of Zander's brains, it goes after
Carmen. I guess two appetizers are enough to fill up anyone. Unfortunately,
Johnny comes rushing to the rescue of our darling heroine JUST IN TIME.
He saves her, his (African-American) buddy dies, but they lose the Brain
Bug. Guess it was just too smart for them! As they emerge from the cave,
they discover that Brains has been captured by none other
than Sgt. Zim! So, Clancy gets to save the day after all, and survives
until the end of the movie.
I found Starship Troopers to be great in the special effects
department, but short on plot. There was gratuitous nudity of both sexes,
and a gratuitous sex scene. The trials and tribulations of the
Hitler Youth (sorry, friends in Germany) was pretty dull. The only
bright spots were Clancy, Michael Ironsides, Clancy, Jake Busey as the
big-n-stupid farmboy, Clancy, and the girl playing Dizzy Flores. Oh, and
did I mention Clancy? The fascination with Nazi chic was just too over-the-top.
Best lines: "MEDIC!" - said several times by CB after he abused a trainee.
(Raczack, interrupting the ObSexScene:) Rico, we're heading out in ten minutes. Who's that in bed with you? "Flores" Oh, then make it 20 minutes.
In conclusion, I give Starship Troopers three brain-bugs out
of five. Not great, but not bad, either. See it for the effects, see it
for Clancy, but DON'T see it for the plot.