KOBA-TV presents ...

Ways Earth 2 Would Change If It Moved to T.N.N.

(*The Nashville Network)

• GEAR replaced with 1,000,000-channel CB radio.
• Play the new theme backwards and Danziger would get Elle back, True would get a cat, and they'd all get back to the Stations.
• Bess' accent: no change.
• ATV, DuneRail, and TransRover replaced with a stock car, a double-engined tractor-pull tractor, and an 18-wheeler.
• Colonists would line-dance 20 klicks a day to New Pacifica.
• Spoon-playing Grendlers!
• Main ailment Julia would treat: the achy-breaky heart.
• Cameron would permanently lose middle syllable of his name.
• In "All about EVE" ... Morgan would be a-pickin' and "Doc" Franklin a-grinnin'.
• In "Flower Child" ... Bess and Morgan would create spring by spitting chewing tobacco down the Northern well, while Julia treats John Danziger for gum cancer.
• In "Church of Morgan" ... Bess' father would return to Morgan in virtual reality and conduct a MagPro wedding: "Martin, you ain't never gonna come back to VR agin less'n you make my little Bessie an honest woman."
• Then he would tell Morgan the story about free milk and a cow, and Morgan would ask, "What's a cow?"
• Their wedding reception would be a hoedown.
• In "Redemption" ... Alonzo would find Julia when he hears her singing:

  //: Where, oh where, are you tonight?
  //: Why did you leave me here all alone?
  //: I searched two worlds over as a spy for the Council,
  //: Eden Advance voted and (PHHHT!) I was gone. ://

• Gaal renamed Gaal Lee.
• Whenever Eden Advance would run out of food, they'd stop for another episode of "Bassmasters".
• Julia'd start gettin' a hankerin' for her 'Lonzo, and he'd start thinkin' she's one frisky little filly.
• Julia would look like Daisy Duke.
• Alonzo would look like Elvis.
• Danziger's ugly shirt now plaid flannel. Washed just as little.
• "Vehicle start" and "vehicle stop" changed to "giddy-up" and "whoa".
• All of the Grendlers would wear belts with Harley-Davidson and Lynyrd Skynyrd belt buckles ...
• ... but no-one would be able to tell, because their beer bellies would hang over them.
• (We won't even go into the issue of their "vertical smiles" ...)
• In "Better Living through Morganite" ... Alonzo would leave his cowboy boots in Julia's tent.
• "Spirulina grits! Come an' git it!"
• Julia would recover a mysterious ice chest full of vintage cans of Budweiser from a cargo pod. She takes the cans back to the MedTent, studies them for awhile, and pretty soon Clydesdales start popping out!

• ZED:

  "EARTH 2 salutes New Pacifica, population 15."

  Fifteen ZEDs pop up out of the cornfield and shout:

  15 ZEDs:

  "AAAAAH'LL SHOOT!"

  Reilly materializes and points angrily at a cue card.

  15 ZEDs:

  "SAAAA-LOOOTE! Oops, sorry Boss ..."

• Terrians wouldn't circle their victims in threes -- they'd square-dance around them in fours.
• Bumperstickers on the TransRover:
  • National MagPro Association
  • Ask us about our Grendler kids
  • The North Will Spring Again!
  • If you can read this, you're walking too damn close!
  • Wide Mouthed Grendler
  • If you can read this, thank your Yale unit. (G889EA)
  • Baines in TransRover
• (and don't forget the MagPro rack in the back window!)
• Advance and Colony ships renamed the Decoy and Convoy.
• John Danziger would be known as "The Shadetree Mechanic" ...
• ... but he would really want to be called "Bocephus".
• New Jeff Foxworthy routine:"If you've cancelled two science fiction shows, and now they're both gaining viewers for your competition, you just might be a network full of tasteless idiots."
• Devon's cryochamber would be an old refrigerator on the porch.
• Uly would wear a coonskin cap and carry a beribboned fishing pole.
• True's sunhat would have a price tag dangling off of it.
• "Church of Morgan" renamed to "Your Cheatin' Heart".
• "Better Living through Morganite" renamed to "Stand by Your Man".
• "Water" renamed to "Beer".

Now stay tuned to KOBA-TV for the unreleased episode of Earth 2, "The Boy Who Would Be Terrie Anne King", in which Uly says:

"You know, Mom ... this planet changes you."

KOBA-TV is a corporate member in good standing of Earth 2: Eden Advance.

KOBA-TV is proud to have been a part of New PacifiCon '96 ... the convention that brought back Earth 2! Be sure to watch Earth 2 on The Sci-Fi Channel starting in 1997!