Ways Earth 2 Would Change If It Moved to T.N.N.
(*The Nashville Network)
- GEAR replaced with 1,000,000-channel CB radio.
- Play the new theme backwards and Danziger would get Elle back,
True would get a cat, and they'd all get back to the Stations.
- Bess' accent: no change.
- ATV, DuneRail, and TransRover replaced with a stock car, a double-engined
tractor-pull tractor, and an 18-wheeler.
- Colonists would line-dance 20 klicks a day to New Pacifica.
- Spoon-playing Grendlers!
- Main ailment Julia would treat: the achy-breaky heart.
- Cameron would permanently lose middle syllable of his name.
- In "All about EVE" ... Morgan would
be a-pickin' and
"Doc" Franklin a-grinnin'.
- In "Flower Child" ... Bess and Morgan
would create spring by spitting chewing tobacco down the Northern
well, while Julia treats John Danziger for gum cancer.
- In "Church of Morgan" ... Bess' father
would return to Morgan in virtual reality and conduct a MagPro wedding:
"Martin, you ain't never gonna come back to VR agin less'n you
make my little Bessie an honest woman."
- Then he would tell Morgan the story about free milk and a cow,
and Morgan would ask, "What's a cow?"
- Their wedding reception would be a hoedown.
- In "Redemption" ... Alonzo would find
Julia when he hears her singing:
//: Where, oh where, are you tonight?
//: Why did you leave
me here all alone?
//: I searched two worlds over as a spy for
the Council,
//: Eden Advance voted and (PHHHT!) I
was gone. ://
- Gaal renamed Gaal Lee.
- Whenever Eden Advance would run out of food, they'd stop for
another episode of "Bassmasters".
- Julia'd start gettin' a hankerin' for her 'Lonzo, and he'd start
thinkin' she's one frisky little filly.
- Julia would look like Daisy Duke.
- Alonzo would look like Elvis.
- Danziger's ugly shirt now plaid flannel. Washed just as little.
- "Vehicle start" and "vehicle stop" changed
to "giddy-up" and "whoa".
- All of the Grendlers would wear belts with Harley-Davidson
and
Lynyrd Skynyrd belt buckles ...
- ... but no-one would be able to tell, because their beer bellies
would hang over them.
- (We won't even go into the issue of their "vertical smiles"
...)
- In "Better Living through Morganite"
... Alonzo would leave his cowboy boots in Julia's tent.
- "Spirulina grits! Come an' git it!"
- Julia would recover a mysterious ice chest full of vintage cans
of Budweiser from a cargo pod. She takes the cans back to the MedTent,
studies them for awhile, and pretty soon Clydesdales start popping
out!
- ZED:
- "EARTH 2 salutes New Pacifica, population 15."
- Fifteen ZEDs pop up out of the cornfield and shout:
- 15 ZEDs:
- "AAAAAH'LL SHOOT!"
- Reilly materializes and points angrily at a cue card.
- 15 ZEDs:
- "SAAAA-LOOOTE! Oops, sorry Boss ..."
- Terrians wouldn't circle their victims in threes -- they'd square-dance
around them in fours.
- Bumperstickers on the TransRover:
- National MagPro Association
- Ask us about our Grendler kids
- The North Will Spring Again!
- If you can read this, you're walking too damn close!
- Wide Mouthed Grendler
- If you can read this, thank your Yale unit. (G889EA)
- Baines in TransRover
- (and don't forget the MagPro rack in the back window!)
- Advance and Colony ships renamed the Decoy and Convoy.
- John Danziger would be known as "The Shadetree Mechanic"
...
- ... but he would really want to be called "Bocephus".
- New Jeff Foxworthy routine:"If you've cancelled two
science fiction shows, and now they're both gaining viewers
for your competition, you just might be a network full
of tasteless idiots."
- Devon's cryochamber would be an old refrigerator on the porch.
- Uly would wear a coonskin cap and carry a beribboned fishing
pole.
- True's sunhat would have a price tag dangling off of it.
- "Church of Morgan" renamed to
"Your Cheatin' Heart".
- "Better Living through Morganite" renamed
to
"Stand by Your Man".
- "Water" renamed to "Beer".
- Now stay tuned to KOBA-TV for the unreleased episode of
Earth 2,
"The Boy Who Would Be Terrie Anne King",
in which Uly says:
- "You know, Mom ... this planet changes you."
John Gordon
White
<johnw@umsa.umd.edu>
Technical Director
KOBA-TV
-- "Musty TV!"
New Pacifica, G889
KOBA-TV is a corporate member in good standing
of Earth 2:
Eden Advance.
KOBA-TV is proud to have been a part of
New PacifiCon '96 ... the convention that brought back
Earth 2! Be sure to watch Earth 2 on The Sci-Fi
Channel starting in 1997!