A Public Service Announcement from KOBA-TV
Announcing the Feed A Grendler Blood Drive
By John White
This announcement was originally written for the Feed a Grendler
Blood Drive at New Pacificon '96. Unfortunately, that didn't fly,
but the ad was so good, we decided to put it on the KOBA-TV web page
anyway.
Blood is rich in iron (fact), and Grendlers are iron-deficient
(supposition). The high they get off of blood is because the iron
ion enables the carraige of oxygen (in mammalian hemoglobin, for
instance). People do get pleasurably wired in high-oxygen environments,
similar to a sugar high (again, fact). This would explain the infamous
"Grendler dance".
So, that's the idea. Here's the KOBA-TV PSA for our broadcast
area (cyberspace):
- Announcer:
- And now back to the KOBA-TV movie, Dead Programs Society,
part 2...
Like always, the scene opens in Program Limbo, an infinitely
large space. It resembles the Black Lodge room from "Twin Peaks",
only the floor is a test pattern.
- Morgan:
- I wish Nick Knight would stop going out the door and coming
back in. It's making me nervous!
- Bess:
- Everything makes you nervous, Morgan honey. Devon, could you
wake up and get more ice for the drinks?
- Devon: (scowling coldly)
- Go "Glintz" yourself, Bess!
The scene changes to the G889 Serengeti, where a trio of
Grendlers huddle together:
- Grendler #1:
- Blood!
Blood!
Blood!
- Grendler #3:
- Sir!
- Grendler #1:
- Blood!
- Grendler #3:
- Sir!
- Gaal: (entering and scowling at the second Grendler)
- My strange, servile beast, aren't you forgetting something?
- Grendler #2:
- Wise!
- Grendler #1:
- Blood!
- Grendler #2:
- Wise!
- Grendler #3:
- Sir!
- Grendlers 1,2, and 3 (dancing about frenetically):
- Blood! Wise! Sir!
- Gaal:
- Ah, yes. That's much better. Assume the beggar's position.
(All three Grendlers turn to the camera with outstretched hands,
piteous faces, and copious drool.)
- Announcer:
- Yes, they need your blood. And, so do we! Eden Advance, in conjunction
with the Interplanetary Red Cross, is proud to sponsor G889's first
Feed a Grendler Blood Drive. By donating your blood,
(The
Grendlers become extremely attentive...)
you can make a difference
for
(Their eyes get as wide as saucers...)
patients
in surgery, trauma victims, and other humans in need.
(The
Grendlers begin to jump about and howl angrily. Gaal pulls a spider
out of his pocket, brandishes it, and the Grendlers immediately become
subservient.)
If you intend to donate to the Feed a Grendler
Blood Drive, please e-mail Dr. Julia Heller at citizen.heller@council.g889.org
so she can keep track of the donors.
And if you don't intend
to, why not? Some people may have a medical reason. For example,
people with the HIV virus or hepatitis cannot donate. However, for
most people, it's a matter of fear. Let us put your mind at ease!
KOBA-TV's own Maryland J. Koba will be there to make the experience
absolutely painless for you. He'll start out with a little backrub
to relax you, a little head massage, then a little prick...
- Maryland J. Koba:
- I BEG YOUR PARDON???
- Announcer:
- on the cheek with one of his claws, and an hour later,
you'll be awake and rarin' to go, and filled with the rush that only
comes from helping others. Or maybe it comes from the cookies and
orange juice that they feed you afterwards. Does it really matter?
- Gaal:
- And remember, Poppets, a Grendler is a terrible thing to waste!
- Announcer:
- Just ask John Danziger...
Back to the KOBA-TV Home Page.